Rescue

Since I have been here in Tennessee things have been ok. I tell most people that things are good, but they arent that great. It is really hard being here. My aunt is so much like my mother it is ridiculous, and neither one of the will acknowledge it. They practically hate each other...which rather sucks. Though they are a lot a like, they are very different as well....my aunt can be quite vicious sometimes....for instance.....tonight....her and my cousin got into a huge argument over not taking dishes into the bedrooms....she was telling him not to, and he was refusing to listen...so I take her side....he is being the 15 year old that he is, and being imature...then they start cussing each other...I still taker her side....and once he called her a Bitch....I was really on her side....but then I put myself in his shoes for just a split second....and once she said you want Bitch I will show you Bitch....then I felt really sorry for him...because I knew exatly how he was beginning to feel, and probably how he has felt before....

It really boggled my mind for a moment during all the drama...I felt like I was having a flashback of some kind...it was really wierd....my other cousin came on the scene and started taking up for her brother, and yelling at her mom to chill out....it was a nightmare....

I was really scared of what was about to happen.....I felt like I was a kid again....being scared of what was going to happen next, and listening to the arguments, and being the middle man....it was pure turmoil....how could this happen...how could God send me somewhere that was just going to put me where I just came from.....

My youngest cousin, she is 13...and is one of the coolest kids that you will ever meet...but her parents dont know her...they think they do like most parents think that they know their kids, but they dont know her or her brother....I know them better than they do and I have only been here for 3 weeks.... I am beginning to see a problem with this...arent you....???? Erin she is an agnostic....and I am cool with that...we spent a lot of time talking about that tonight...along with all of her and my emotional issues. If it werent for them, I think that I would have packed my things and said the hell with this I am going home...because I didnt come all the way to Tennessee just to deal with another family that is hanging on by a thread.... Michael on the other hand just got saved this summer...but hasnt grown really....

I guess that God brought me here to help these kids see the brighter side of things, since I have been through this already and I have been able to escape...I dont know...all I do know is that I really need for him to rescue me from this....I dont know if I will be able to live through another nightmare....that people tend to call life...my body and emotions cant take much more...I think that I am literally hanging on by a thread here...God I need you to come to my rescue because I have no where else to turn....

I believe that I am beginning to become quite confused....yet again....

hhmmmm its nothing new at this point....

<3

Homesick

There have been times when I thought that I was homesick, but never have I felt like I have been feeling over the past few days. You know the words to the song Homesick by Mercy Me say it all. Though in their song they are talking about being homesick from Heaven. I guess I could say that I am a bit homesick from there as well because I long for the day that I can spend eternity with my Savior....But as far as an earthly homesick...my life is miserable. I never thought I would miss my home as much as what I do. I realized a few days ago the reason for it is....that I am no longer running away from things. I came to Tennessee to start a new life and I came with blessings from the most important people in my family!!! My mother, my second mother, my daddy, goober, and God. God was the first one to know because he was the one who said to come. Since I have completely surrendered to him things have been different(but in a good way).....
I just really miss home. For the first time in my life I had friends my age, and I had completely moved away from doing things for attention. And then I just up and move. Sometimes I question myself, but then I have to stop and remind myself that I am not only questioning myself but I am questioning God. Because he is the one who sent me here. I know that I have no reason to doubt him, or myself for that matter. It is just so hard being here knowing that I cant look forward to seeing any of my family or friends anytime soon. I really miss church and everyone there....
But on the brighter side of things, I am going to church this Sunday, and I am super stoked. Hopefully I can find a temporary home church until I go back home. I am also working on getting my license!!!! So once I do that, then hopefully I can drive home.... :) My only issue with that would be driving over a mountain....but with a lot of prayer and major faith, I believe that I can do it.....
Well I am going to go for now, but I will be back and hopefully next time I wont be as homesick....

<3

New Life and Natural Beauty

Well it has been a while since i have written a blog...a lot has happened since my last....I am now in a new residence, and starting a new life. I was talking with a friend just the other day and i was explaining the meaning behind one of my tattoos. I have a butterfly on my back, and for me it symbolizes "New Life and Natural Beauty." That phrase means a lot to me because i have new life through Christ, and He created me with natural beauty. This new chapter of my life that i am starting is where i am going to truly find myself within in Christ, and the new life that He has planned for me. I have come a long way since March, and I believe that I am a completely different person. Though I have been saved for a while now, God really showed Himself to me over these past few months. It is true that if you seek Him He will show himself to you. I had some help, but because I sought him out, I am at peace with this new adventure that I am just now stepping into. I believe that God is going to do an awesome work in my life within the next few years. I believe that if He were finished with me He would have taken me out a long time ago, but for whatever reason unknown to me i am still here and kicking. I pray that you will stay with me on this soon to be relevant journey.

the not so confused anymore :D